tehn daiz

Ten days into being 29. I keep waiting to feel it. Like I'll suddenly feel like an adult.

I suppose in some way I do feel that way. Almost as soon as I turned 28, I experienced the urge to bare children. Crazy.

Prior to that, I had never felt that way. The thought of having children has always been a fleeting thought, something I took for granted.

"Oh, yeah, one day when I have kids..."

When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who wanted us to be married and have children by the time he was 25. I was two years younger than he and I felt the pressure of being an adult cave in on me.

I could see my future: graduate from college, get married, have babies. I was not ready.

After him, I dated a man who never wanted to have children and certainly never wanted marriage. Still reeling with the thoughts of being too young to have children and rebelling against the last boyfriend, I declared that I never wanted kids.

But this wasn't true, either.

I've always protected myself and thought about what I'd do if it happened before I was ready. Thankfully, I never had to think it much further through than a simple pill-a-day.

But now, here I am, over a decade later, ready to have a child. Well, physically ready.

J and I have started talking more and more about marriage and our future together. We're not engaged yet and I don't know that we will be. I don't want a ceremony or a white dress. I want simplicity, a courthouse, and a party afterward.

For the first time in my life, I'm with a partner that I can see myself marrying. And more importantly [to my hormones], I'm with a partner that I can easily see myself having children with (when the time is right).

So while I still feel like I'm 18 years old, I feel like I'm finally ready to make adult decisions.

I guess I'm 18 with a lot more maturity!